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Friday, January 10th, 2003
11:04p - "Ask Monkey"
*One of the sections of my website that, apparently, most people who visited really liked was the "Ask Monkey" Advice page. Since my website is still down at the moment, I thought that those who were not fortunate enough to get a glimpse of Monkey's genius would appreciate these samples from his column.*


Monkey is brutally honest. To the point where he makes people cry and re-evaluate their existence on Earth. But he's also a smart little chimp, and likes to help whenever possible. Even if the only help for you is to slit your wrists. Therefore, this section is for you, my dear readers. We all have problems, fears, doubts, concerns, thoughts that we might actually want to rent midget porn. And often, we don't know what to do about them and this is where seeking advice comes in. A completely objective view is what you need. And Monkey is here to give you just that. Simply fill out the form below and he'll post your question here with his radically new concept of advice. And hey, it's free!! Forget that $4.99 a minute to talk to some creepy Aunt Jemima lady with a Jamaican accent. ASK MONKEY!!!


Typical Clueless Male Question
Ok, there's this girl I used to talk to. She "adopted" me, and we chatted back and forth for awhile, but now she never talks to me anymore, and when I try to talk to her, she either ignores me completely, or tells me to wait a moment then never replies. Was it something I said, was it my breath, was it something in the moon's gravitational pull? I don't understand it. Please help!!


(Maniacal laughter as Monkey pulls on his tail that he has shoved between his legs to look like a big, fat johnson) o/` If ya want mah body and ya think I'm sexy come on baby, let me know o/` (cough cough) Ahem...oh...sorry. You asked me a question? put one of them squiggly things with a dot under it after a sentence. That means it was a question. Forgive me, I am still learning to read. I am a smart monkey, but I's still gots a vocabulary of a third grader. Which means I'm smarter than 95% of the world population. Huzzah! I also have Attention Deficit Disorder, which explains why I have yet to answer your query. (flexing brain muscles) (loud fart) 'Scuse me. (maniacal primate laughter again). I think this girl you speak of is probably not ignoring you on purpose. She might also have Attention Deficit Disorder and when she says "hold on" and never responds again, she has either forgotten what she was doing or fell asleep (she might have narcolepsy, too, I dunno) or maybe she was abducted by aliens (this last one would explain why she acts like she has something shoved up her ass most of the time). Or...she might just be a total bitch with a cooch that smells like John Wayne Gacy's crawlspace on a hot day. I would suggest you try writing her a poem to get her attention. Preferably a limerick about cab drivers, or a haiku about sporks. Chicks dig sporks.

Love -


Stupid Questions Deserve Stupid Answers
Dear Monkey -

Sex. What are your thoughts on the matter?


Well, to be honest, my first thought when asked this question was about the word itself. "Matter" comes via Anglo-Norman "matere" from Latin "materia", meaning "matter". This was originally applied to the 'hard inner wood of a tree' and etymologically denoted the 'matrix' or 'mother' from which the tree's new growth came (it was a derivative of Latin "mater", meaning "mother"). The verbal usage of the word "matter" itself began in the late 16th century. And from there on, the word "material" originated as a derivative of Latin "materia".

So, in this context, matter is likened to a mother. Which somehow leads my thoughts toward this direction: "I banged your matter last night, bee-yatch!"

(Insert Sappy Shit Here) -


current mood: giggly

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